Weve all seenand laughed atthe equestrians memes that poke fun at our lack of money. Our horse goes to the vet while we cant afford to go to the doctor. Our bodies are broken and yet we still ride. The list goes on. But when those memes are no longer funny, but sad and true, it can make you question the equestrian lifestyle.A Monumental DecisionFor me, it was a phone call with my dentist. I couldnt afford the yearly X-rays they were requiring before I could have a cleaning (I hadnt had a proper dental cleaning in longer than I care to admit). I started to cry on the phone because they wouldnt make an exception for me. When I hung up the phone, I stared at my budget on my computer and thought, I am 40 years old, what am I doing? I had no savings, no retirement plan. Thankfully no kids depend on me and my husband, but I am not super healthy. I was diagnosed with arthritis in my 20s and was told I was already halfway to osteoporosis due to low bone density. I havent seen a regular doctor since then.I spent the last several years showing a Gypsy Vanner maremy heart horse. I loved her more than anything else, except for my husband. My only friends were those I saw at horse shows and events. But all that money, along with Covid and a series of things breaking, including needing to replace all three of our cars, had led to mountains of debt. Those memes werent funny anymorethey were heartbreaking and stress-inducing.It was that day that I made the decision to get out of horses. The amount of money we had invested in a truck and trailer, tack, and the horses themselves was enough to completely pay off all our debt, except for my student loan. But also becauseif I was honest with myselfit was very hard on my body and caused a lot of pain.Saying Goodbye I feel like there are two types of riders. The ones that ride occasionally for the fun of it. They can ride or not ride; its not a big deal. My husband is that type. Then there are the ones where equestrian defines who they are. I am in the latter group. Getting out of horses was like removing my identity.Selling my heart horse meant saying goodbye to my best friend. I cried as if she had died. Non-horse people offered unhelpful statements like, Youll get another one someday when money is better. Only those who have owned a heart horse understand; they are not replaceable.Months passed and I wasnt getting better. Tears flowed whenever anything triggered me: a photo, a memory on Facebook, a song we did a freestyle to, or her namesake Disney character on someone elses feed. Since all my friends were horse people, I was suddenly alone, which didnt help the depression that was stifling me.I hit rock bottom when I sent a text to an old high school friend in another state: I cried most the day, had a fight with the husband, contemplated why Im even alive, then cried more. Life sucks right now. Selling the horse was the worst and I have no friends.At this point you may be judging me, thinking my reaction was a bit extreme. But when you dont have friends, and your horse was your sole means of socialization, losing everything at once can have serious effects on your mental health. Thats the spot I was in.Mini Steps When you start to think about not living, something needs to change. We had paid off all our debt and took a good look at the budget, deciding how much we wanted to save to finally have a safety net. We decided we could still meet our goals while owning a couple of Miniature Horses to mow the pastures and provide me with a horse fix.I am not going to lie and say it was an overnight fix. It wasnt, and still isnt. I havent bonded with Argyllmy 2-year-old Minilike I did with my heart horse. Will I in the future? I hope so. But he provides me with a reason to get outside.Kristina and Argyll. Photo by Brent LotzI am taking driving lessons with a lesson Mini to see if my body can handle it. If not, we can do in-hand things like tricks and trail. Showing is still not in the budget, but there are many free things like parades, walks on trails, and even the International Horse Agility Club offers reasonably priced online competition.As for my heart horse? We still dont say her name in the house. She has become a proper noun, Her, that is implicitly understood.I still cry sometimes, and I think I always will, but my heart is not heavy as it was. I can walk into the barn and hear whinnies again. I can smell a horse and feel his sweet nose on my faceArgyll loves to give kisses.Kristina in a lesson learning to drive Minis.I hope those of you in my position take heart. How you interact with horses may change due to finances or getting older, but there is always a way to have them in your life, even if it means volunteering at a riding center or downsizing.If you need horses in your life, find a way, because they are truly irreplaceable and the worlds best therapy.This article appeared in the July 2024 issue of Horse Illustratedmagazine.Click here to subscribe!The post Selling My Heart Horse CRon appeared first on Horse Illustrated Magazine.