I really thought she would be one of those horses that lived forever. If she hadnt hurt her hind fetlock, we would have still be having rides. But as I was pulled in so many directions, I was too busy to ride anyway, so she was my beautiful pasture ornament, hanging out with my one remaining equine on the property, Pony.It was harder to put weight on her, and we begin having regular visits from the vet to check on her condition, but otherwise, she basically just existed. We spent casual time together, doing some grooming, getting some scratches, but nothing formal (no teas or nights out.)One day, I decided to take a short ride on her. Very short, as I didnt want to hurt her, but I just wanted one more moment with her. I had a feeling it would be my very last ride on her, but only because I knew it wasnt something she should do often not because I expected her to die just months later.Fast forward to just January, and its time for snow and a polar vortex. Its not something I even think will be a concern, weve dealt with it before. I have a barn full of hay and grain, weve got water, theres shelter, it all should be fine. And maybe it was, as first. But, very suddenly, shes not doing good. She went from fine, to spending 95% of her time laying down. Every time she stands, she trembles until she falls over. Shes barely able to walk. Her legs were massively swollen. I had to bring food and water to her, as she couldnt get back to the barn.The vet comes out. Theres not much we can do for this almost 28 year old horse that cant stand. It was time to put her down.Im grateful to my wonderful, compassionate vet, who helped me through this process. And Im glad my kids choose this time to go play in the snow, out of view of the event.On January 30, 2025, Vintage passed away, with me, her owner of 22 years, and her faithful Pony companion by her side. I told her over and over again she was a good girl, and shed always done everything weve asked of her.I had already been mourning the loss of my beautiful dog, Paxton, a few weeks ago. Now I had two wonderful pets dying within weeks of each other.Just one month ago, right before the snow startedTwo months ago, my son feeding VintageGo Over All The MemoriesMy vet was super kind about everything. He explained the whole process to me, and told me I was doing her a kindness.As he was leaving, he told me the best thing I can do is focus on the good memories. Think of all the good times we had together. Thats what Im trying to do, because everything else hurts so much.I remember the first time I ever saw her, in 2003. She was tied to a trailer in a parking lot, dancing around nervously, and I thought she was the most beautiful horse Id ever seen. She was small, something that would end up bothering me for years, and then ending up not mattering at all, but she held herself so beautifully. I was in love.It was very much a case of being too green of a rider for this green horse. I started taking lessons on her, but it seemed like a mess. There was a time when my trainer had me convinced I needed to sell her to buy a real horse, and I almost did it. I was showing her off to a potential buyer when I realized again how beautiful she looked. How she stood quietly on the crossties. How well she behaved under saddle. I realized she was coming along, she wasnt just the unruly barely broke horse I started with.I keep plugging along in lessons, and studying my riding books, and I learned how to train her. I learned to be confident with her. One of the biggest moments of my riding life was the day I decided to ride her alone to go meet with friends. I was terrified, but I really wanted it, so I just did it. I surprised myself by how well it went. After that, we were unstoppable.Early on, maybe 2005?That time she decided to climb a mound of dirt. Maybe shes part goat. Taking a lessonShe went from being green to being the bravest, most willing horse Id ever ridden. I was proud to show her to others. I was eager to let other people ride her and see how amazing she was under saddle. She responded to a whisper, a thought. It was like we could read each others minds. She was energetic and enthusiastic, but so sensible. Literally the most perfect partner one could ask for. I never felt unsafe on her.201420162016 The lameness exam after the infamous injury: she jumped out of her stall through the window because she felt left out. Getting xrayedI rode her everywhere. We ended up on construction sites, jumping the materials. One time we accidently ended up in quick sand, or at least what seemed like it (Is quick sand real, or just something made up in the 80s to scare us?). We sank all the way up to her belly, but she pulled out of it.My number one memory of all time is taking her to the C&O Canal and swimming in the Potomac. It was me, and Vintage, my other horse Clay, and two of my friends horses. Vintage ended up being the only one that would swim in the deep water, and she did it over and over again for us. We doubled up on her back to swim through, and one time I grabbed her tail and was pulled along through the water. I still remember that as one of the best rides of my life.2016Later on, I got Berry, so I was taking lessons on her, and she became my primary horse. But Vintage was the second horse, good for the days I wanted to ride both, or for when friends wanted to ride. I still loved showing other people how amazing she was.2017 DArcy jumping VintageBut there was her injury. I had put her in a stall while we took out Berry and Pony, and she did not take kindly to that. She jumped out of her stall through the window and injured herself. That was possibly the beginning to the end. She went to semi-retirement, with injections to keep her sound. But then I was so busy was the other horses, and then the kids, that she wasnt being ridden at all. So I dropped the injections and she became just a beautiful pasture ornament.For years, shes just lived out her best feral life. I was heart broken to sell Berry, her best friend of 10 years, but I was spread so thin I couldnt keep up with everything. Pony was her only companion for the last two years.20172017I wish I had spent more time with her. I wish I had taken more photos of her. Why couldnt there have been more time? Between her and Paxton, my heart cant take the pain.After all of this, I am hurting for my old horses. I reached out to Berrys new owner, and luckily I did hear that Berry is now doing better. Shes with a new barn who worked out her issues and is doing well with her. But I wish I could have her back. I should have never sold her. Maybe one day she will come back to me.Vintage and Berry togetherI am grateful my children got to meet Vintage. Although they never truly rode her, they did spend some time sitting on her. Nothing has filled my heart more than my children sitting on the horse I love so much. She has never been frightened of them, despite their loud and sporadic nature. She truly was a unicorn.2023 Bridgette and Vintage2024The VoidI go down to the barn and its silent. Pony is still there, of course, and the only times the silence breaks is when he talks to me. He actually responds when I speak to him, which is kind of neat, its the only time life has been like those ridiculous horse movies.I dont just feel the loss of Vintage, I hurt for Berry, too. I gave her up willingly, and I regret it so much. I miss my dream team, my three amigos, my perfect herd. I didnt realize how perfect they all were together until now.I feel like I just lost Paxton all over again, too. Hes buried down near the barn, very close to where Vintage is now buried. It wasnt planned, the burial man picked the spot, but they ended up within 50 feet of each other. They didnt spend much time together in life, but now they are companions in death.Moving around the barn is surreal. Theres no faces watching me work. Theres no heads hanging over the fence, hoping for a pet. Its just me and Pony.Hes handling the loss better than I expected. He spent a lot of time in the spot where he last saw her, where she had spent her final moments. He circled, he called, he then searched the pasture. I stood out there with him so he wasnt alone, but he wasnt interested in me. He just wanted his friend back.I visit him a lot, so he knows hes not totally alone. He needs a new friend, or he needs to be moved to a barn with friends. We havent figured out the best solution yet. But he seems calm, for now. He wanders and he watches. He will stand near me as I do barn work, but doesnt seem too concerned when I leave.Ive been spending my few hours searching online for a new friend for him. I know he needs one, but it hurts to think of getting another horse. I dont feel ready for more. The emptiness from Vintage and Berry should only be filled by them. But thats not going to happen. That life is over. The dream team is gone forever.The post I Lost My Heart Horse appeared first on An Equestrian Life.