A photo of the author and Happy taken a few years before his sudden death. | Courtesy Travis ChurchOn March 22 of this year, I lost my sweet chestnut Thoroughbred, Happy, to an aortic rupture while we were out on a ride at one of our favorite venues.Happy and I had a bond that spanned more than a decade, and much of my life centered around him. Horse people know this bond; the horse is your partner both in sport and in life. You can predict their next moves and they yours.Happy had my heart. I will never forget him. Also, I will never, ever forget, or be able to forget, how he left.This summer one of my equine veterinarian friends, who is also a horse owner, encouraged me to write about my experience to help other people dealing with their own horses sudden death, be it from aortic rupture, aneurysm, or another cause. She said it might help them better navigate the unthinkable and inevitably traumatic experience and aftermath.Nearly nine months later, I realize I know seven people who have experienced this terrible situation, whether before, during, or after a ride. This makes me recognize that while witnessing your horses sudden death is a statistical unlikelihood, its a possibility we all face. While its difficult to share my own experience, Im committed to doing soso that we can all be better informed and prepared to face the sudden death of a horse and the steps that follow. Here are some things I learned:In most cases, aortic rupture in horses cannot be predicted or prevented. The aorta is the main artery that delivers blood from the hearts left ventricle (the main pumping chamber) to all arteries besides the pulmonary artery. Sometimes a spontaneous tear or break happens in the aortic wall. As Happys final pathology report read, Horses with this type of acute rupture rarely exhibit any signs of disease or discomfort prior to the fatal incident. This was something I couldnt have known was coming. Happy gave no indication that day or in the days prior that he was feeling off or that anything was awry. In fact, as my sweet, enthusiastic boy started veering off the trail, and I felt as if we were going to fall, I asked him, Where are you going, dude? It was sort of a suspended animation experienceone moment he was there, fully, and time was going at its normal speed, and the next he was leaving his body.It can happen to a healthy, fit horse of any age or breed thats receiving the best-quality care. Happy lived a very good life, with excellent care and a team who kept tabs on all aspects of his healththree different veterinarians for various aspects of his preventive care, a bodyworker, and a dear friend with a laser and a Theraplate. He ate high-quality forage and feed and spent 17-plus hours a day on turnout. He had his annual soundness exam a week prior to his death, and our veterinarian said he looked wonderful at age 19.I called her just a couple of hours after Happy died, in an awful daze, wondering if there was anything I could have done that couldve prevented what had happenedor, worse, inadvertently caused itand she assured me that chances are, it was a cardiac event and there was nothing I couldve done. Had it not happened at the venue where we were riding, it wouldve occurred during turnout, on a ride back at the farm, or in the stall.Sudden death in horses can happen at any gait. I couldnt recall what gait we were riding at until I looked back at our Equilab app recording later. I was fortunate we had just finished a short canter, then trot. We had been walking for a few minutes before Happy drifted off the trail to the right and fell under some low branches. If we had been going any faster, I might not be here today. Ive heard of horses that have reared before this happened, whether under saddle, in hand, or out in the field. Ive heard of others that had a cardiac event while jumping, in the dressage arena, or even just as their owner stepped off their horse after a nice ride, all incidents that had no preamble, no warning.Aortic rupture might look like any number of things. After we fell, Happy appeared as if he was having a seizure. There was a veterinariana small animal vet and an experienced horsewomanriding with us, and she rushed over and told me this. (Immediately I thought, A seizure disorder? I can manage a seizure disorder. He can just retire from work.) Then she followed up, telling me he appeared to be taking his final breaths. For some horses this process can last seconds. Others, minutes. It was probably 90 seconds for Happy, though it felt much longer. My veterinarian friend told me that these events often result in a very rapid loss of consciousness on the part of the horse, and the convulsions are the physiologic response of the body to a lack of blood circulating. Its a muscle reaction, NOT a conscious reaction by the horse, she explained.Always prioritize human safety and life. I know its hard to read this. If your horse has fallen on you and youre injured, you need to be freed and seen by emergency services as soon as possible. Even if it feels like your world has just ended with this tremendous loss, you must continue living and give yourself the best chance. You can sort out the details, or ask someone to help you with them, later. This is yet another good reason to never ride alone, to share your location with a friend if you are riding by yourself (with directions on what to do if you dont ping them back), and to carry a phone or wear a smartwatch (cellular enabled, with fall detection).In our circumstance Happy fell on his left side in soft soil. I was trapped for about 30 seconds. Thankfully, adrenaline gave me what I needed to get free. My instinct was to hold and comfort him, but there was still risk for my own injury. Though I did stay behind his neck/back and clear of his legs, which were contracting involuntarily, ultimately, I didnt make the safest decision by staying close to him as he died, and I recognize things could have gone very differently for me. It was truly a chaotic moment. If you find yourself in this situation, stay on the side away from the legs.Call your closest people after this happens. They can contact whoever needs to know. Chances are you dont need to be driving or making any decisions beyond where your horses body needs to go from there. An important note: Be clear with each person you talk to about whether you are injured or not; that was one thing I forgot to do, and it did create some confusion and worry among my friend group.My friends self-organized and deployed to help. Two people carpooled to where Happy and I were so one could drive my trailer back to the farm so I wouldnt have to. Another was with me when I signed the papers to send Happy for a necropsy examination to understand what had happened. He drove me home, letting me talk in circles and try to process what Id just experienced. Another was waiting in my driveway when I got home to be sure I was okay. My friends really rallied around me, and Im so grateful for that support.Youll need to organize transport of your horse to a necropsy lab if you want to find out why your beloved mount died or if you have an insurance policy that requires this exam. Ask someone to help you organize this if youre too shell-shocked to coordinate. After I called my trainer/farm managerbecause she loved Happy, and he ate and slept at her farmI called my parents, a friend who is a vet, and another friend whose husband works for the local horse hearse company. Thankfully, I had a friend with me when all this happened, so I handed my phone to her so she could coordinate; I was too shocked to do much more. If you experience trauma like this, it might feel like you are functional, but your brain is not really working properly. Allow your friends to help you.Even if your horse is not insured, I would encourage you to get a necropsy because understanding why your horse died suddenly, and what he or she was experiencing during the event, can help you process the loss and provide maybe a sliver of closure. I received Happys results within about seven business days. Knowing exactly what had happened helped me tremendously in the wake of his death. The pathologists report was very detailed and brought me some peace.Your horse likely did not feel any pain, fear, or confusion in those final moments, despite it appearing so. Ultimately, Happy had a 1.7-centimeter tear in his aorta, near the root. The pathologist reported no signs of aneurysmal dilation that might have preceded the fatal tearso again, it could not be predicted. This resulted in blood very rapidly filling the sac around his heart and stopping it very quickly. As clinical as the information was, I found it comforting to know his blood pressure likely dropped so fast that he was gone almost immediately. What followed was simply his body responding to the immediate loss of vital oxygen (again, why the body moves involuntarily). That perspective helped me after someone reminded me Happy was vocalizing as he left; I had suppressed this memory for a week before it returned. Having never witnessed equine euthanasia, I wasnt prepared for the sights and sounds of a horse dying. Remember that these are not the expressions of a suffering animal but a part of the bodys natural dying process.Dont rush the goodbye. I was able to spend some time sitting with Happys body before the venues maintenance staff and the horse hearse service came to pick him up. My friend and the other people there didnt rush me, which I appreciated. She cut some strands of Happys tail for me to keep as a memento. Someone offered to remove his bridle for me, which was very kind, but I declined their offer. It was a gut-wrenching moment, but Im glad I was the one who removed Happys bridleit was my last thank-you to him for being such a perfect boy before we parted. Importantly, my friend had me leave before the guys came to pick him up with the tractor and take him to where the hearse loaded him (he was too remote for the truck to reach). Ive had several people tell me the loading of your beloved horse is not a memory you want to have; so if youre able to skip this part, please do.Your horses companions might grieve the loss, especially if they didnt see his body. Heres a story about a recent study on this on our sister website. My trainer said Happys buddies were visibly out of sorts and grieving for a week or so. Allowing people and the horses who knew your horse the grace to grieve is very important.Get back in the saddle when youre ready. In my case, I knew I needed to get back in the tack before too much time had passed; after all, Im one of those dyed-in-the-wool get back on the horse if youve fallen kind of people. For your first ride back, be sure you ride a horse you trust, and try to ride with a friend. About a month after Happy died, I was able to ride Gaston, his best friend from the field. For the first five minutes of that ride, I felt like I was drifting off to the right and falling, even though that was not the case. I rode for another five minutes in the arena, just at the walk, and then hacked around for another 10 minutes, half of it with a friend. That was enough for the first ride. I also suggest arranging something after the ride so youre not alone after this milestone.In the almost eight months since losing Happy, Ive returned to riding regularly, but a couple of times I have experienced a moment that somehow reminds me of the incident. I must be patient with myself, breathe, and acknowledge that my body remembers, and it will be okay. I want to tell you to be gentle with yourself, too.The emotional healing from having experienced this isnt finite. Losing a beloved horse is an intensely difficult experience. Losing them in an unexpected and/or traumatic way adds a layer of complexity to the loss and grief. Yes, Ive found comfort that Happy was having a blast at one of his favorite places and died with no pain or extended convalescence. As Ive been saying since March, If youre a horse, thats the way to go. But that doesnt erase the emotional whiplash. If this has happened to you, I encourage you to talk with a licensed therapist because grief cant be fixed, but support can make it easier to carry. Working with my counselor has been crucial to my grief processing. I am not an expert on grieving (in fact, Im terrible at it), but Ive also found it helpful to read or listen to the writings of others about the loss of an equine companion. Know that grief will punch you in the gut at unexpected times, and you need to let those emotions out. However, that gut punch does lessen with time.If youve lost a horse recently to sudden death, I want to welcome you to this strange club that none of us wanted to have joined. Right now, it might feel impossible to carry on without your horse and with the memory of how he or she left. But please know the excruciating heaviness will eventually lift. I hope you find solace in the memories of your horse, grapple with the loss, and let emotions flow freely as grief surfaces. I also hope you seek a partnership with another horse in the future. Your horse would want that.